blue condition

It's the first of January and I feel like hell. Despite a two week period of relative productivity, I now struggle to do anything. I can't think of anything fun to do. The weather is too bad to walk; my gym is closed for the day, and watching a movie or playing Scrabble don't even light my fire. I've been doing some writing, but have reached a dead end; I feel stuck and can't go any further. I feel bad in part because I met a friend for coffee Thursday night and the conversation somehow drifted to negative things: job troubles. I mentioned that I was considering taking up technical writing, but she, a writer like myself, asked "But who will hire you?" and then she said she'd tried getting a job as a TW and nothing had come of it.  She and I work together at a local community college, I as a tutor and she as a composition teacher. She said that the comp students complain constantly about the tutors. I did not ask her if I was on the shit list. I left that night feeling depressed and angry. Angry at her for her unintentional negativity and irritation with myself for my silly reassurance seeking and unrealistic expectations of others. Last night I went to a New Year's Eve party, but was still depressed from the night before and felt like a leaden lump. I couldn't think of anything interesting to say. The things others were talking about I was ignorant of. I felt stupid and worthless. In addition, my cooking experiment was a total fiasco and that bothered me too; I couldn't take my creation to the party. I just kept comparing myself to everybody at the party and I came up short. I hate the two jobs I have to work to pay for the debt I incurred during recurring manias. Now I am taking Saphris for Bipolar II, seeing a psych and a therapist and trying to do Cognitive Behavorial Therapy exercises on my own. I know that I sound like I am whining, but I am trying to work through my problems.I exercise. I sing in the church choir. I just finished a printmaking workshop. I plan to do volunteer work as a reader for a radio for the blind. I keep my house clean. I don't do drugs or drink to excess. I've been paying off my debts and using cash for everything. I've been writing and I read good books.
But yet when one of these blue moods come down none of this seems to help. All I  can see are my mistakes and errors and they are large indeed. I feel my life is a waste and I wish I had never been born. Last night at the party I thought I'd be better off dead. Admittedly, my biggest problems are my two unsatisfying jobs. My therapist tells me to follow my heart, but if I did that I'd starve to death. I just want to feel better. Living like this is a slow death.